The Graduate

So it's official. I turned in my paper, got a well-deserved A, (I must say) and now, I am a Master. ;)

Last night we celebrated. Brian was amazing in that he surprised me with Liz, Sascha, Tiff, Ben, Claudia and Mom to greet me at Musashino for sushi followed by karaoke at a personal room (byob). Great fun and crazy expensive, but well worth it. Money comes and goes, experiences do too, but hey, at least we get some fun memories out of experiences.

Not sure where this 'master' will take me but I feel good to have accomplished more and it was truly something that felt very natural. I truly enjoy learning and going to school. I feel as though my profession is to be a student and I realize that I don't need to pay and sit in a classroom to be one. Every day that I am lucky enough to wake up, I breathe in the sweet breath of life and indulge in the life set in front of me. I can truly say that I feel most content when I let go a bit and allow life to just be, rather than always trying to control it and veer it in certain directions.

I learn from my experiences, the people around me, the nature that surrounds me...and through my thoughtful meditations and contemplations I continue on the path of this life. Fulfilling my duties and realizing that this life isn't the end, but what I am seeing the beginning with each new day and each experience...whether life continued or ended by means uncontrollable to me.

Being able to guide by thoughts through taking in the beauty of life, people, and nature, as I find my way--that is the assignment that I give to myself daily and that is what I cherish and strive for each day.

I am the MASTER of my own fate, I am the captain of my soul. ~~W.C. Henley

Motherhood

Some days are rough and some I am grateful for the little gremlin that looks at me with awe and amazement as if trying to decipher a secret code or memorizing my every word and movement to imitate later in life. It's quite a responsibility that if I think about too much (which I do sometimes) I overanalyze what I do and who I am so that I can be the best that I can be in front of him. I do think that having a child has forced me to view life in a completely new perspective.

He is living with exuberance, taking advantage of every present moment. Not really thinking about the past or the future, but just the present moment (therefore not sure how the potty-training will every work). He listens and speaks loudly if he wants or quiet if he wants, he has his own agenda and pretty much does what he wants. He doesn't analyze his self, or even his self in relation to others. There is this innocence which is completely admirable about it, yet naive. He will learn from not only me and Papa and his relatives, but from the world. I hope that he looks at the world and the people within it in a light that furthers his happiness and zest for living. Isn't this what most parents want for their children.

I think the part that I think is so great about having a child are the people around us that are helping raise him. As a living parent, I truly believe in "it takes a village". I think perhaps in a previous life I lived in an African village where everyone DID take care of a child. We kinda' have a westernized sort of version of that going for Noah right now. Grandma, Nana, Ms. Dallas, and Ms. Jennifer, Papa and Mama. That's 6 people looking after this little ball of energy...all of whom love him and grace him with their love. We're lucky that he has this in his life and I don't know if it would be better for him to get the same ONE person in his life all the time. There's something to say about having this variety. At least you get the best face of each person before he drives you crazy and the face starts changing. Ya' know?

In that same vein motherhood is hard sometimes, just like anything can be. Today, because I'm a bit under the weather, and my energy cannot match his and it makes me a bit less patient and annoyed, but I remember not too long ago when the tables were turned and he was under the weather, I almost broke down in tears when he would just out of the blue hug me in the middle of playing sea creatures on my bed and say in a loving voice and a smile "Mama". Does everyone completely melt and love their children the way that I do mine? Can I love other children this way too? Everyone experiences it and everyone seeks it, happiness, so yes, it exists.

To understand a mother's love, bear your own children. - Chinese Proverb

Family and Friends

Family...that seems to be an easy one in our lives right now, but hasn't always been. After having a son, the focus seems to be more on family. And not just immediate, like Noah, Brian and me, but also grandparent's, siblings, in-laws, they all seem to have a regular part in our day to day. Especially while we have Grandma and Nana watching Noah regularly and Sophia being an important regular too in Noah's life. We are very lucky to have this close-knit family in our lives, especially right now.

Friends...this one seems to be a little bit more tricky for me in this time in my life... why is that? Friends are a bit like family, but for some reason not as regular or as close. Perhaps because we have more choice with when and who to spend time with and perhaps it might feel obligatory like family, but it seems like at that point, it makes me wonder, why am I forcing it? And then I back-off. When a friend says or exudes a feeling that seems to repel me, I repel and I back-off. I search or spend more of my time with those that are easier to be around and easier to share my feelings, thoughts, and insecurities with.

I tend to gravitate towards people that seem genuinely loving and warm toward me and therefore I tend to create this same reciprocal feeling. Those that seem to share the same core values and topics of interest as I do at a particular time in my life. This, of course, changes, so how does one seem to have a long lasting friendship that withstands what seems like what a family type person can endure?

Do friendships go sour? Can one really choose their friends and not their family? I truly believe that at times it's a reflection of how I'm feeling about myself, but then again, that is definitely an egotistical view. There are things that I see in other people that I either like or dislike in myself and perhaps that is what attracts and repels me to or away from them. It is an interesting topic and one that I still don't feel like I've mastered by any means. As my friends come in and out of my life and how I feel disconnected to some and very connected to others one thing that I feel like I know is that all people are loving and care and down to the core, we all want and need the same things. We all want to be connected, understood, loved, nurtured, respected, for exactly who we are. We all manifest all these things for each other in different ways and they don't always match the ways each individual would personally do it themselves...such is life and relationships. Exuding love and being able to receive it is what counts...not some of the other factors that I've immaturishly (is that even a word?) have encountered and directly experienced myself.

I do want to say that both family and friends have something in common---they are precious for the love that they do exude and I am grateful to have the experiences of sharing these relationships with some of the amazing friends and family that I have encountered so far in my life.

With life constantly changing, I hope to reflect on this topic again and determine where I stand or how things have changed, but only time will tell.

"I will be content with what and whom I am, and wish not change". I am courage and truth. I am loving, vulnerable, caring, and I have duties which dominate my time in this life and I will fulfill those duties and live with these characteristics or fail to be content and truly be whom I am.

Yoga

So, now after about a year of coming to see Pam at Ruta, I can't smile enough. I'm here now, just finished a session, listening to Spoon and having my tea-- feeling thankful for being able to move and stretch the way that I was able to this morning. Each day is different as far as what my body can do, but I'll take it as it comes. Taking care of what Vedanta calls "our equipment" is important to me to be able to experience the world and life in a healthy manner.

I am thankful and feel humbled.

I am trained to pass along this great form to children, so I hope to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity soon.

Yoga is invigoration in relaxation. Freedom in routine. Confidence through self control. Energy within and energy without. ~Ymber Delecto

Life and Death

Wow. I know that my titles seem kinda' heavy, but this is a heavy topic for sure and one of which my journey is all about. It's about life and the incredible journey that I've been through and continue to travel as my life continues, but also the life that I see within others. It's amazing though again as we all will inevitably encounter the end of life at some point how no one really believes that life will end for someone at an early age. We all assume and believe that old age is when life ends and even in old age, I don't really grasp the concept all that well. Perhaps because no one really close to me has died. I've had friends friends die, friends relatives die, even my grandparent's have all passed, but I didn't know them that well.

It shouldn't take that much for me to have compassion for those that have experienced death...I realize that it is extremely painful to just not have that person just around when one is used to that. I couldn't even imagine what my life would be like without Brian for example, or Noah. It's hard to even think about it.

Well, the reason this comes up is obvious. Dear Quent has taken his life. That also, to me just boggles my mind. And although I know that I have been at low points in my life, such that I've momentarily contemplated the point of life in a very depressing way, I've never even considered really doing anything about it. I can't believe that almost a few weeks before his 31st birthday he decided to take his life, or even that he even did it. Tiffany is having a hard time getting through it because she was pretty close to Quent. He lived with her and Ben for over a year.

It just makes me angry and incredibly sad to think of what a hard time he must've been going through in order to get to this place of actually taking action. It's amazing to me how there may be many people in my midst that may be experiencing these same thoughts and feelings that he had. Life, although difficult and full of suffering, is still something that to me I cherish and will hopefully always have the will to continue working through. I'm not sure that I could ever take that away, but rather allow for it to be taken when the time comes.

May dear Quent rest in peace and may his soul be in a place of less suffering than what he endured while in our world.

Dancing: Samba

I've always had an intense enjoyment and love for dancing. Mostly just the movement of my body in a rhythm that is mine. Free, flowing, moving and creating heat within. Megan has been kind enough to introduce me to this Samba troupe, which I'm a bit apprehensive about. If I look at my feelings about my experiences from week to week, I see that although I attain that heat and intense enjoyment, there is a time during the practice sessions where I experience anxiety. Samba is not easy. The ladies leading the group are very technical and demanding. I say this because after a session of fun booty-shaking, the leader says, "Ok ladies, I've hand-held you long enough, you need to be stepping it up next practice." And not with a smile or "GOOD JOB" but with a serious tone and nature. And that was it. In thinking about it I realize that perhaps not only was I not going to feel that connectiong to dancing when the expectation is a bit higher for skills that I truly have to accept that I may not have or may not be interested in pursuing to the degree that is needed for the troupe. So I will continue participating until it stops being enjoyable. I assume that I am the one that makes the decision of whether or not something is enjoyable, right? But I must come to the conclusion at some point that perhaps what the troupe needs is not me. ?? I'll try a few more sessions and make an informed decision.

Acupuncture

So, I need more greens. I've known this for a year now while working with Rupesh. I still have heat and the tip of my tongue is still red. Hmm...so as I've taken a WHOLE year to modify my diet becoming a vegetarian and trying to put greens in every meal---spinach omelettes, etc. It's still not working, but I have hope. I'm incorporating spirulina after finishing my 2nd bottle of Chloroxygen. We'll see. But Rupesh heals me in a way that I'm sure any acupuncturist could. But every time I see him I come in with a sense of giddiness and nervousness, but leave with a complete sense of calm and peacefulness. He has that about him that seems to radiate from his being. Just being around him is healing. I am thankful for his insight and his advice and his healing powers. :)

As I think about people like Rupesh that have come into my life and exuded this sense of genuine care and help, I of course think of Brian, Pam, Tiffany, Liz, Claudia, people that exude love, a zest or calm sense of zest for life. I feel humbled and will continue to learn and reflect.

Live Music

ACL...walking around holding hands with my honey, dancing to the beats and sounds with sweaty people, meeting up with friends just to see familiar faces, riding bikes home...ACL was great. There were some amazing talented musicians there.

Without music life would be a mistake. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Vedanta Treatise

My time at the Vedanta Treatise book studies on Sunday have been such a motivating experience. It is a time of introspection and connectedness, and really learning about Vedanta based on one of the most ancient spiritual texts ever in history, the Bhagavad Gita.

Sitting on the white carpeted floor of a clean room with only small frame of Ganesha adorning the plain white walls. The sound of the air filter buzzing and the feeling of unity, calmness, yet eagerness filling the room. It is a very purifying experience. Everyone waiting for the pauses between readings to hear the wise insight of Joseph the disciple of Swamiji. Beneath, feeling and allowing myself to see the love between the people in the room under the stoic faces displayed. Life is what we make of it. What we see is based on the ego (mind, body and intellect) and are desires and suffering. Everything is god, so be at peace.

I look forward to learning more...especially about meditation which seems to be a bigger push in Buddhism philosophy even for laymen in research.

Megan and Joseph. There seems to be a connection there that is being denied between those two.

Self in Relation to Others

So, as I continue on my journey of unknowns, I can safely say that I'm registered for a class called Self in Relation to Others. I'm pretty sure this is going to be an enlightening experience. :) Self in relation to the individually 10 beautiful people in the class? Tomo 27-year old, Vans-wearing, Japanese, teacher of 2-year old toddlers? The two Buddhist friends with physical and weight training professions having so much insight on the history of psychology and Buddhist philosophy it's astounding! Beautiful girl who follows the Kaballah, who's thick accent from the middle-east and soothing green eyes just makes you want to listen to her ramble about her experiences and spiritual journey for hours; or Julie mother of a toddler who is so clear and articulant...every time I read what she writes, I say "AH-HA" YES, that is what I mean. Or perhaps the timid S. Korean and Taiwanese ladies who seem to be extremely subservient to the people around them and their surroundings. Or Shea, the frat-boy artist, who seems to never speak, but when he does, it just clarifies the discussion. The characters in this class are very interesting and it's interesting how I have descriptions of who they are based on very limited interactions with them...perhaps that's an inisght there...we are all are very much alike. We want to learn about ourselves and seek happiness.

We met our professor. Young, from Berkley, well-spoken, and very honest about herself and her life and seemingly willing to learn about ourselves. With her focus being on self-compassion, perhaps I'm here for that reason...to learn how to take this element and whole-heartedly accept it into my life.

Tutoring Session #1

Had a lot of fun meeting Franz today.

• He was able to read the new book "Go Spot Go" all by himself without help.
• He pointed to the words and corrected himself once—missed a word and went back and reread.
• Worked on vowel letter sounds and played game to find them in words. He said "e" like in "egg" when he found it during the game.

I'll be back next Monday.

This is all a test, btw...my Special Ed in Technology class rocks! Having fun and switching to personal blogging now. ;) Oh, hey, today is my birthday. HA!

Classroom Notes

+ He has his one-to-one correspondence down.
+ Knows all his letter names and could find them when he was "reading around the room" during centers this week.

DRA reading level 1.

Challenges: Franz assessments show that he's having trouble with some of his vowel sounds (/e/ and /i/) in isolation. He is inventing text or guessing when reading CVC words.

Suggestions: He will need help working on identifying his vowel sounds (just the short /e/ this week). Sounding out CVC words. I will leave appropriate new books for him to read in his reading box. See what he can do on his own with one book. Give him positive feedback on something he did well, and then give him one tip to practice that deals with short /e/ in word or looking at the first sound of a word.